As you all know I am a deeply positive person with a cotton candy centred disposition but (and this may surprise you) I can get annoyed and sometimes, dare I say it, miffed.
And you will have noticed that this content is sitting on a food based platform. There’s our context.
So let’s get straight into it because I fear if I dwell too long on these I’ll start bleeding from the ears again.
1. Unspreadable butter
First off yes, I store my butter in the fridge. For two reasons:
1) I don’t own a butter dish (yes I do still qualify as British) and 2) I don’t like having to spoon salty oil onto my sandwiches when I decide not to freeze to death and have one radiator on. Butter is great. It makes a sandwich, it makes toast but when hard it destroys the sourdough I paid £5 for at my favourite hipster farmers market. All this when I should be pondering existential conundrums like “where in London do they keep all of these ‘farms’?
2. Being asked ‘is that a large?’
Get your pitchfork and torches out. Ok. Once in a while I like a fast food burger (I’ve disappointed my mother too much over the years for your scorn to have any baring on me)
Whether it’s the King of the Burgers one, the one with the 5 dudes, the one where you go IN, have a burger ‘N’ then go OUT, everyone has a favourite. What I can’t stand is giving my order and then being asked “is that a large?” It’s assumptive, it’s clearly a corporate scheme and it winds me up.
So much so that even if I’m hungrier than a plastic hippo is for choke hazard, yet suitable for 3 year old sized plastic balls(?!) (i’m still bitter 26 years later) I’ll still say “NO, IF I WANTED A LARGE I WOULD HAVE SAID LARGE” just so as not to be a success stat in their marketing ploy. Call me fickle but I missed the 70’s punk movement, this is all I got.
In my opinion the most pointless living thing on the planet. At least wasps exist to ruin your bbq and even butterflies look hot for 24 hours before dropping from the sky, but celery? What does it do other than taste like emptying a lawnmower in your mouth?
Green food has a bad rep already and although the celery stick looks pretty innocuous, for me it’s a sure-fire way to ruin any dish. And historically I’m a fan of green food.
4. Butter being spread back into the tub
Hold tight, it’s another butter related one.
So as to restrict #2 to single figure occurrences, I buy my butter in a tub, in spreadable form (the first step is identifying your weaknesses, then you can act on them)
What I don’t care for is when my solution is ruined by some careless knife-wielding crumb troll.
Here’s how to identify said troll…
The crumb-troll loves toast. It loves to spread my lovely carefully selected spreadable butter all over it’s toast. But the crumb-troll is over zealous with its butter usage and always has excess butter left over after the toast spreading activities.
One thing you cannot accuse the crumb-troll of however is wastefulness. And there lies it’s downfall. The crumb-troll will spread the excess now-toast-crumby-carefully-selected-spreadable butter back around the rim OF THE BLOODY BUTTER TUB. AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH.
5. Breakfast ending at 10.30
Finally, on the uncomfortable journey inside Mike’s mind…
Breakfast. It’s my favourite. There’s few better things than treating yourself to a freshly cooked weekend breakfast at your favourite establishment. One problem though… you’re probably hungover (which will make the breakfast even better) and therefore it’s almost certainly later than 10.30am, by which time they will have stopped breakfast service at your preferred dining location. Don’t even bother giving me any of that brunch chat. Brunch doesn’t know what it is. It’s tiny portions of lunch with eggs. It’s rubbish.
This could be solved by a) drinking less or b) setting an alarm which I’m aware of and therefore why it’s last on the list.
Anyway, I hope you can identify with some of these, it makes me feel less weird and alone. Hit me up on twitter with yours too because sharing is caring and therapy is expensive.